A Day in the Life of Terminator
Whoop-who! I’ve made it to the end, and posted all four times. It means a lot to me to have set a realistic goal, and achieved it. I hope my entries are useful to others but, as previously posted, they have been useful to me. Although I’d made a mental note that today was the last day, once I’d gotten busy with work I forgot. Oops. It was only when I checked my home emails in the evening that I remembered. Oops again. However, for me, forgetting & later remembering was illuminating because when I reflected back I realised: “You know, I’ve had a good day… ” …and I had to make an effort to think of “things” that happened. All I could come up with was my “usual” rising feelings of fear during my working day when: either, I have to do something that I don’t feel comfy about; or (another classic of mine) when there is no rational reason I can think of. I was pleased with myself, and made sure I enjoyed being pleased with myself. I’ll focus on one example because it happened after I’d remembered today was a dayinthelife and, more importantly, I knew at the time it was daft but it still made me anxious. So there I am, having a read of The Caravan Club magazine before I go off to sleep. There is an article about visiting the Aquaroll factory, and I find feelings of fear & panic rising. Why? The only semi-rational reason that springs to mind is my unhelpful obsession with the potential risk of losing my job. Is this what is meant by “transferring” fears onto someone else? The sorts of thoughts I had were: how can he have a room full of all those water carriers? what if no-one buys them? what if his workers don’t show up or creditors need paying? Is this what is meant by “catastrophising”? I know, in my head, it is crazy to get anxious about Aquaroll for two reasons: a) it is not my factory – this is not “my problem”; b) Aquaroll are successful – that’s why they’re in the magazine! I simply do not understand why a bedtime read made me feel anxious. Why can my rational mind not calm my emotions? I tried what I understand mindfulness suggests: that’s an interesting thought; it is just a thought; let it wash over you; let it go. …and yet I still felt anxious. In fact, I feel anxious now just writing about my experience, and that’s a few days later. Worse: I’ve just had the thought that I must be “odd”, and everyone will laugh at me thinking that I am crazy. Oh well. I am trying to just say to myself: this is me. I am trying to acknowledge to myself that this is what I do. (Not, as some books say, accept because that sounds like agree – I don’t like this about myself, I don’t want it but I can recognise that this is how I am.) Trying to acknowledge this aspect of myself does not come easy, but I will keep trying because I cannot think of anything else to do. (I know I’m very much a “doing” person, which I think conflicts with “being mindful”.) I then started another classic of mine: over-analysing why I am petrified of losing my job. Am I scared of turning into my dad? …who jacked in his job whenever he felt like it, not contributing financially but living off my mum’s dad’s money? Again, I know in my head that I have not turned-into-my-father because I’ve held onto my current job for over 18 years which, in my head, I know is impressive since I work in middle-management in a bank, and have survived three rounds of redundancies during a financial crisis to boot. I know there are other ways in which I have not turned into my dad. In the end, I just gave up trying to “do” anything and tried to go to sleep. At least I could tell myself: this is the end of the day, and I have a topic for my last post. Something positive, eh?