A Day in the Life of snowflake

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I have woken with a headache and the feeling I need more sleep. It’s a tough time at the moment with a combination of family problems, trying to come off morphine and battling with my CMHRS for continued support.

And I just don’t feel like I’m coping.

More positively, my son returns today from cub camp. He will have had a great time but I miss him so much when he is away. Before he went he told me to look at the northern star and he will too so we can meet there and be together. He is 9 – where does he get such beautiful thoughts from?

My mum is in hospital. She got rushed in with pneumonia two weeks ago. She almost died. If I am honest I don’t love her anymore but she is still my mum so I do care.

My son starts school tomorrow but I have to go away for two nights. My husband will have to take him in to school and look after him. My son always gets tearful at the start of term, I can only hope that his dad will be kind. Dad is not always kind. He can be snappy and mean. Currently he makes lots of snide comments about my weight. I am massively overweight since I started psych meds 5 years ago. But I don’t like it and want to lose the weight. But I just can’t shift it. I start motivated but then retreat back into binge eating, one of several of my self-destructive behaviours that I use to cope. Binge eating is invisible, unlike the cutting and burning I do but I guess the weight gain is a giveaway!!

Regardless I still would like to be treated better.

Ever since I put in a complaint about my CMHRS I have been ignored or treated badly. I have reassured loads of people before that putting in a complaint won’t affect your care. I will never believe that again. It has been dreadful, so bad that I am now asking if I can be seen by another cmhrs out of my area. I have not seen any mental health support worker since May. It is a disgrace, I was seeing someone every week then nothing since may. I see it as cruelty actually.

For many years I have had no way to express the way I feel. I have been trying to describe the confusion, the lack of control, the self-hate, the difficulty I have communicating my needs and feelings to others, the internal conflict and the struggle to survive. I recognise now that I need another way to describe the difficult emotions that I have been unable to talk about and that have previously only ever been expressed through self-destructive behaviour.

 

But what is the other way? My objective is now to search for an answer to this.