A Day in the Life of LHK
Today has been a very memorable day. For all the wrong reasons, sadly. In fact: emotionally and mentally it has been the most difficult day I’ve experienced and lived through for almost 2 years.
My previous post was very much consumed by the angst about resigning from my job. Or not. Well, I have resigned end of May. After initially feeling more grief than relief, I am now on an even keel; realising that I’ve started a new chapter of my life and focussing on my kids and my health as the main priorities for me for the time being. I’ve learned over the past 3months to view it more as a “career break” with a huge potential to re-invent myself with all the experience I have from my working life. As I always say: “I love my job, but I love my kids even more. I can always find another job, but I can never get my time with them during their early years back for love or money.”
So, what has happened to bring doom and gloom to this seemingly rose tinted picture? It is a culmination of several matters all at once.
I have self diagnosed a type of skin cancer on my face over the week end. I’ve had an urgent GP appointment yesterday and he agrees with my suspicion, so an urgent Dermatology appointment has been made.
I went through the darkest, deepest hell imaginable during a hospital admission 2y ago. I received utterly poor care and suffered assault and personal loss during my inpatient stay. The hospital Trust involved has made on mess on top of another of my complaint and now a medical journalist has responded to me 2 days ago about potentially exposing it all in the press. It is a huge and extremely difficult decision for me to take; for very obvious reasons.
Things in my home have been particularly tense over the past fortnight. My husband works full time and lately has been working even harder than usual. He leaves early and is seldom home before 9:30pm. He is clearly tired and stressed, but I’m not a mind reader and he doesn’t tell me what exactly is the matter. His behaviour towards me has been totally out of character of late: snappy, argumentative, at times even taunting. Two days ago he screamed at me twice during the day (morning and late evening) whilst I was alone with him, only holding our youngest who is under 2y old. I will NOT tolerate him shouting at me in front of the baby: it is neither fair on, nor good for the little one.
I have resorted to e-mail him since I find any level of “normal” conversation with him impossible. I’ve done so on Sunday morning after he allowed our 8y old to be persistently and excruciatingly rude to me (even in front of friends of ours we spent time with in the park) without bringing our boy to heel. I said in my message that I can fend for myself: my young son being openly disrespectful of me is way down the line of bad experiences for me. But his silence on this matter gives the child consent; and this learned behaviour will have a ripple effect on and within all future relationships he finds himself in.
Then yesterday morning, after the “screaming at me with babe in arms” episodes of the previous day, I forwarded a sweet and funny piece to him with the personalised note: “Let’s both try doing this for each other – we’ve got nothing to lose and all to gain for trying.”
It almost goes without saying: he did not respond to either message. And is still not talking to me either. Although the “barking & biting” seem to have settled down.
Today was just utterly AWFUL and I’ve cried and cried and cried. Like I haven’t done since in hospital 2y ago.
Such is life…