A Day in the Life of Choco
The alarm’s gone off, I’m so groggy. It was a fitful sleep last night and I finally woke up holding my hair up as though I was about to put it into a ponytail – this was something to do with the dream I was having when the alarm went off. This time is was more of an active dream rather than the distressing ones I often have.
To keep the resemblance of normality I get up and make the morning drinks and take them back to bed. As my husband gets up and gets ready for work I fall back asleep. This is now the norm; I once was an early bird but now the bed is my best friend.
I wake again and read some more of “Reasons to stay Alive” by Matt Haig. It’s a good book describing depression but it hasn’t given me any reasons why I should still live. I hoped it would as the guilt experienced in wanting to die knowing how it would affect my family is great.
As well as the tiredness are the shooting type pains in my hands, arms and legs so I take a couple of paracetamol extra. These should last me until tonight.
I doze back off and get woken by the phone; I don’t answer but wait for the voicemail – could I look after someone’s dog tomorrow? I am numb. Everything is an effort. I like the dog and have no issue with looking after him and I will be walking another two anyway, I just can’t get myself motivated. I’ll ring back soon.
I can feel my eyes closing again, no, I MUST get up. I’m hungry, my new anti-depressants do make me want some breakfast in the mornings. I don’t enjoy food but my stomach tells me it needs filling so I get up and get dressed but don’t bother getting showered, I’m not expecting to see anyone so why bother? It’s too much effort.
While I eat breakfast I go on the computer, it is my window to life really and means I don’t need to see other people. I look through any emails and posts on my facebook page but can’t really get into anything. By now it is lunchtime and I need to take someone’s dog for a walk. I don’t really expect him to want to go out as it is raining and he doesn’t like going out for walks too much, especially in the rain. We do see someone else walking their dog so he decides he will walk. While out I return the earlier phone call and agree to look after her dog.
Back home, another look on the computer, nothing of excitement and then flop in front of the tv until I have to find something easy to make for dinner and then back in front of the tv for the rest of the evening.
That’s it for the day and I have an early night and long for sleep to escape from reality and hoping I don’t wake up.